Emotional Dysregulation, Part 1: The Pain and the Possibilities
Intense, sometimes debilitating emotions may be due to Emotional Dysregulation. Learn why this occurs and how to take back control.
It’s been coming up a lot in my Group Coaching sessions: Emotional dysregulation.
More specifically, issues around debilitating shame, anger, frustration — even grieving (not about lost love ones, but profound feelings of loss around our own constant foibles).
Such intense emotions contributed to my own self-medication for many years (a story for another day) and are affecting most of us on a fairly regular basis.
In fact, 70% of all ADHD adults say they have problems with emotional dysregulation. So let’s get busy understanding it better and then I’ll talk about no-BS* solutions. [*I’ll explain ‘no-BS’ in a moment.]
What Is Emotional Dysregulation, Exactly?
Well, the name says a lot, doesn’t it? But whether we’re firmly in that 70% or not, we of the ADHD Tribe are likely to have more intense thoughts and emotions than our neurotypical friends – with higher highs and lower lows.
So, as Lisa Kaufman, LCSW and founder of MindFuel Counseling in Denver, says, “You may experience happiness and criticism more powerfully than your peers and loved ones do. You can become frustrated and angry quickly, and it is hard to deal with everyday challenges when your responses are always extreme.”
More formally, some helpful background from ADDitude Magazine:
A critical aspect to consider…is ADHD’s nature as a disorder of self-regulation across behavior, attention, and emotion: any difficulties in regulating our thoughts, emotions, and actions [think impulsivity] – as is common with ADHD – may explain the irritability, tantrums, and anger regulation issues these individuals experience.
(By the way, there’s also a lot of talk about Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, which is an extreme symptom under the Emotional Dysregulation umbrella. I’m sticking with the broader topic here.)
Dr. Thomas Brown, writing in ADDitude, says, “Challenges with processing emotions start in the brain itself. Sometimes the working memory impairments of ADHD allow a momentary emotion to become too strong, flooding the brain with one intense emotion.”
That word, flooding, is an apt descriptor for our more extreme episodes, where a single emotion can overtake us, displacing all other thinking – especially and importantly, our rational thinking – which might otherwise help us dig out of an emotional hole.
How Emotional Dysregulation Is Triggered
The triggers for such episodes vary widely: From interpreting a coworker’s words as criticism, to getting legitimate criticism from a boss or feeling slighted by a family member or friend; from relatively minor mess-ups to bona fide crises that make us feel helpless or incompetent; to a bursting dam resulting from a build-up of “frustrations, failures, negative feedback, and stresses of life,” as Thomas puts it.
The result of these triggers are…
- An emotional reaction that is disproportionate to the situation.
- An inability to deal rationally with the situation.
- Inordinate amounts of time ruminating after the fact.
…all leading to a kind of paralysis that further defies solution and constructive forward movement. (And from a pure productivity perspective, huge losses of time, energy, and spirit.)
Solutions, Please?
For starters, Kaufman says, “A multi-modal treatment plan including ADHD medication and behavior therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), has proven effective in helping people understand how situations and thought patterns affect their emotions.”
And there are many coping skills listed in articles on the web that might be helpful in-the-moment, such as…
- Identify irrational thoughts and replace with rational ones
- Take a time-out, “walk away”, etc.
- Administer some self-compassion
But my problem with most such “coping skills” was best described by Danny Reade, co-founder of Asperger Experts, in a newsletter relating an analogous episode of “flooding” – a mild panic attack:
I really don’t like that a lot of therapists focus on coping skills, and I know that sounds weird to say, but here’s why:
I once was on an airplane and had a panic attack in the middle of the flight. For some reason, my body thought I was going to fall THROUGH the airplane and then plummet to my death. As if I was a special snowflake and the laws of physics worked differently for just me. Naturally, this was A) Never going to happen and B) Completely ridiculous to my logical self. The problem is though, I couldn’t access my rational mind enough to convince me that this wasn’t real.
See, when you are in the middle of an emotionally intense event (like a panic attack) it is very hard to access the part of your brain that deals with logical, rational thought – the area that deals with things people have taught you, like doing deep breathing and counting to 5.
So, one of the hardest things to do when you are in an emotionally intense moment (whether a panic attack or an episode of emotional dysregulation) is to “remember your coping skills!”
The trick to making coping skills work for you, says Reade, is to “A) Use them BEFORE things get too bad; and B) do enough self-care so that things rarely get that bad.”
Great advice, Danny. But there’s much more, and in my next post, I’ll share some “No-BS” solutions for Emotional Dysregulation – i.e., things that have a shot at really working — which depend much less on being able to “switch on” your rational/composed brain while in the throes of an emotional car wreck, or that might have a better chance of working “in-the-moment.” Stay tuned!
Bless!
APB
#2: Criticism contains gold under the surface
#4: There is an underlying shared interest
In my 
One of the reasons I floundered in my first six years as a corporate executive, despite hard work and long hours, was that I didn’t know how to delegate work. Every year I’d get a positive review — but not the promotion. Because, as my bosses would say, “Alan, we can’t put more people under you, because the ones that are, don’t have anything to do! You’re doing it ALL!” Needless to say, my team was miserable. And my career trajectory was bleak.
So we must listen to our Future Self when he/she says, “Please don’t burden me by leaving this until the last minute!” — and create an unpleasant deadline for our Present Self to at least get started. One that’s way sooner than the actual deadline (or desired finish, if there’s no formal deadline).
And the third classic (and biggest) barrier is Not Knowing Where to Start. “When I just THINK about starting it, I get frustrated because I can’t figure out where or how to start it.” And this should be no surprise, because a common characteristic of all “Big Things” is that their structure is big, complex and therefore, often unclear before we start.
It’s rare, however, that we actually observe it. Which is too bad. Because when we do, we have the chance to step “outside ourselves” to witness that cacophony for what it is: typically, a lot of ego-based chatter, pointless worry about past and future, negative self-talk, petty judgments, etc.
For instance, be conscious when walking the dog, commuting to work, working out, hanging out with the kids – even doing the dishes or the laundry — which are all times when you don’t need to be stressing over past or future.
Even those of us considered to have an “up” personality are subject to all of the above — and don’t get me started on some of the even uglier statistics about 
As you hopefully have noticed by now in this blog and all my writing, speaking and videos, I like science. Whether it’s about ADHD emotions or ADHD alternative solutions or ADHD and quality of life. So herewith: three science-based truths about ADHD and happiness:
So, what might you choose to DO today — maybe even right now, to switch from a so-so mood or even an ugly funk? Remember: based on all the above, you can choose to flip a switch to be happier right NOW (e.g., a gratitude prayer, 
Theming – conceptual ways to organize your time and tasks — creates significant efficiencies, reduces your stress level and frees up more time.
